"Hello 9-1-1? I'd like to report this woman, sometimes she can be this sweet southern gal, very innocent and childlike, a real cute blonde that you'd really like to know better. But at other times she can be this complete psycho bitch who runs around in a bad wig cutting people to pieces with a straight razor. What should I do? Sir, this line is for emergencies only and you really don't have an emergency, you're simply describing the laughably horrible 1987 drama Prettykill directed by George Kaczender, so please just sit back and enjoy the movie."Police Sgt. Larry Turner (David Birney) has several problems, first his girlfriend Heather (Season Hubley) is a prostitute and a madam, wait that's not really a problem for him, in fact he doesn't seem to be bothered by it at all. He does have other things on his mind though; the biggest would be "Lightning Boy" (Gary Majchrazak), a big time drug dealer that is pushing dope on playgrounds all over New York. Turner is going to get this pusher that is selling death all over the city and who is also responsible for the murder of a fellow police officer. Turner's boss (Yaphet Kotto) doesn't like him or the way that he does his job; he blames Turner for the cop's death and wants him off of the force. Another problem is that Turner (Birney), as we all know is a tough street cop, and tough street cops have to kill scumbags on occasion which causes him much distress. But like any other normal New York cop he relieves his anguish by getting hammered and having angst ridden pillow talk with his hooker girlfriend. Turner's girlfriend Heather is the one you should really feel sorry for, it's not easy to be a high-class prostitute and madam in 1980s New York. First there are the customers, obnoxious and demanding. Then you have to be seen at all of the right parties, if there isn't lots of cocaine, naked people in clown makeup and life-sized nude cakes you can just forget it. You'll also have to deal with the occasional deviant ambassador and lets not forget the personnel problem, finding good employees can really be a hassle. In her unending effort to find quality girls Heather recruits Francie (Suzanne Snyder). Francie is a sweet small-town girl all the way from Georgia, she is a little too "low class" but Heather thinks she has potential. They meet at the strip club were Francie is dancing and hit it off. Of course Heather can't have any of her girls working in such a place and since our little trailer-trash waif has no place to call home Heather takes her home with her. Bad move, because it would seem that Francie might just be slightly unbalanced, lets face it her little noggin is cracked wide open. It seems she has more than one person up there in her head, besides Francie we have the sad little abused girl Jodie, the sophisticated worldly Stella and even her own abusive father lives in her head. If it weren't crowded enough up there already, now it would seem that she might also be turning into her new benefactor. Can Francie be the one responsible for the unexplained murders that have been occurring in the city lately? And lets not forget that mysterious man with a limp, the man who has been following Francie around from the beginning of the film, watching her, dumping dead bodies in the river, spontaneously crying, could he possibly know something about these murders?This production has all the earmarks of a very badly made television movie that somehow, inexplicably made its way to your local cinema. This film is just so bad at so many levels that it really can't be described. It all adds up to the most enjoyable experience in badness. While it was originally intended to be a serious shocker it actually ended up being a very (unintentional) funny comedy instead. The story itself is laughable, the directing non-existent and the acting, well lets just say it's not award winning by any stretch of the imagination. You would think that David Birney would be tops in this department, having appeared in so many truly awful films, but you would be wrong! Yes, he is in way over his head trying to play a hardened Dirty Harry type street cop on the mean streets of N.Y.C. but in this film Suzanne Snyder has him beat for the top prize in scenery eating. I can find no words in English that can completely describe just how over the top she is in this film. I defy anyone not to bust out laughing when little Francie turns into her own abusive, redneck "Daddy". Everyone in this film is just bad (some more than others), even Yaphet Kotto, who is probably the best actor in this production ends up just giving a lot of mean stares and reciting some pretty stupid lines. As an extra-added bonus this film also happens to feature one of the worst movie soundtracks that I have ever heard, some very bad 80s elevator music that never quite seems to match the scene that it was intended for! It's very possible the makers of this film only used this music after getting a good deal on it when it was rejected for Dynasty. Yes, you will have to go a long way to find another movie as bad (and funny) as this one, although I am sure there are probably quite a few contenders waiting in the wings, Hollywood just never seems to stop churning out monstrosities like this do they?
Originally posted 8/8/2005